Sex and the Unmarried Christian

I’ve been reading quite a few articles lately about what is wrong with the church, why millennials aren’t in the church, what’s wrong with marriage and why young people aren’t getting married, and so much of it is coming down to one word. Sex.

Just a fair warning, I’m about to get really real with you. You may or may not agree with me. You may feel I’m defending sex outside of marriage. You may think I’m just weak or ignorant or whatever, but, as they say, the struggle is real. And it is real for many.

 

If you’ve been so lucky as to have found the love of your life at a younger age and have stayed married then you may not realize just how much the dating pool shrinks as you get older. The dating pool for someone in their 30s is not very big. If you’re wanting someone of quality — has a job, doesn’t do drugs, isn’t divorced because he/she was the cheater, someone who isn’t an ex-convict, doesn’t party like they’re 20 — the pool gets even smaller. If you’re wanting a Christian? Your pool turns into a very small puddle. This is something that I don’t think those who got married and stay married really understand. I know I didn’t until I found myself in that puddle.

 

 

DATING AS A 30-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD CHRISTIAN

“Meet a nice Christian guy at church,” they say. Have you been in a church lately? Since my husband left me for a man (or several men) ten years ago, I have been in 8 different churches in 3 different states. What I’ve found is that, first of all, there are very few people between college age and 40 even in the church, for whatever the reason. The ones who are there are married. The ones there who are single either aren’t legal yet or they’re over 65. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to date someone who is old enough to be my dad or even my grandad.

Dating is hard, even when you’re in your early 20s in college. But when you’re divorced, in your mid-30s, with kids? It feels darn near impossible. I don’t have the time I once did, and now I also have my kids to consider. Then you run into those who just want to date for fun and don’t want a real commitment. I don’t have time or patience for that, and my children’s hearts can’t handle it either.

 

SEX AND DATING

The Church and Christians tell you not to have sex unless you’re married. From experience I can tell you that that is a bazillion times more challenging AFTER you’ve had sex or have even been married and divorced. They make it sound like it’s an easy thing NOT to do. And it is an easier thing to say if you’ve been with the same person since you were 20 and have never been on my side of it. I know that it’s a struggle for many, both a spiritual struggle and a physical one.

Unfortunately, the “meet a nice Christian guy at church” also seems to be a false security. If you can actually find a younger single at church, it’s no guarantee that his values will line up with yours. What I have found is that unbelievers aren’t the ones who pressure me or make me feel badly if I don’t want to have sex. It’s the Christians. Yep, you read that right. “Meet a nice Christian guy at church” who will then expect me to have sex with him or he’ll bail. There goes my puddle.

 

INTENSIFYING THE STRUGGLE

Our culture is now saturated with sex. Some of it is very subtle, so subtle that you may not even realize it’s there at all. That’s how clever it is. We, even Christians, dismiss or even make excuses for sex, vulgar sex, in movies, books, TV shows, advertisements, etc, because it’s “part of the story.” We gloss over it like it’s no big deal and then expect unmarried Christians to behave differently.

Another thing that makes this already difficult task of NOT having sex even more difficult are the ones saying “don’t have sex” are also the ones who then talk about their married sex lives around single people. Not so helpful, people. Married couples used to keep their sex lives private, but now it’s as common as talking about the weather. I, especially as an unmarried person who is told not to have sex, shouldn’t be hearing about your sex life or your husband’s high sex drive. Keep it in your bedroom, please.

 

THE SHAME

I think this is one of the reasons why unmarried Christians, especially those who are having sex or have had unmarried sex, are not in the church. There are a whole mess of sins out there, but many are not as obvious as sins within a dating context, especially if it leads to a pregnancy. By the way, pregnancy is NOT a sin, and the child in that pregnancy is NOT a curse.

As I said, my husband left 10 years ago. I have a daughter from that marriage who is a few days shy of turning 11, and I have a daughter who is almost 3. It doesn’t take a doctor to realize that I had sex outside of a marriage.

At the time I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, the relationship had deteriorated to an emotionally abusive and controlling situation that I had been wanting out of. One of my first instincts was to turn to the pastor’s wife at the church where I was attending. I was seeking grace and support and was met with criticism and shame. I was told that my child couldn’t be used by God and had no purpose for Him because of the circumstances under which she was conceived. Needless to say, I didn’t return to that church. If it hadn’t been for my strong faith and some good friends, I may not have walked into a church at all after that.

Why would someone who is already feeling shameful go to a place where they will feel more of that shame? It’s hard enough to sit alone in church while everyone else sits with their families. Sitting there and feeling like all eyes and fingers are pointed at you is humiliating.

 

WHAT CAN YOU DO

• Stop openly talking about your married sex life, good or bad, with anyone, but especially with singles.
• Stop making unmarried sex the worst sin of all, especially when things like gossiping are so common and often overlooked.
• Listen. Even if you’ve never been in that single person’s shoes, offer an unjudgemental, listening ear.
• Make it easier for singles and single parents to come to church and feel welcomed.
• Stop treating unwed pregnancies like a disease. Many of them, especially if she’s a Christian, feels enough shame already.

 

 

I’d like to hear from you now. What have your experiences been?